As I told you yesterday, I finalized my divorce after 3 long years. The supposedly ‘amicable’ event took a horrible turn about one year after our separation. I asked for the separation, I had been married for 21 years at that point and it had become so challenging I barely could stand to be in the same house. We did not yell, or fight…. he is a passive aggressive person. It is bizarre, if you have ever experienced, (and realized it) being with a passive aggressive person.
Hale Dwoskin at the sedona method says: “People who are passive-aggressive appear on the outside to agree and get along with others. In reality, however, they passively resist them, and become increasingly hostile and angry in the process.” This is exactly what I experienced. He always wanted to appear like the “good guy”, and pointed it out all the time.
The strange thing is you really think you are nuts sometimes. They never think anyone ever treats them well and are always saying “look at all I do for you”, yet you feel the true resentment coming out of them. It took me years and years to figure out that he was depressed and passive aggressive. I would constantly try to make him happy, lift him up and carry the mood. If you have ever tried to please other people, it is exhausting. I had done this with my parents for most of my life as well. It is never good enough, never. You aren’t here to please others, and you can never do it.
Hale goes on to explain: “Because someone who is passive-aggressive is internally angry, but hides it on the outside, it can be very challenging to overcome in a relationship.” Yes, indeed. No matter how many times I asked what is wrong, I never got an honest answer.
“Someone who is passive-aggressive is often acting covertly to act out their resistance and anger — and this makes it more difficult for them and others to deal with.â€ Hale continues.
So my “Inspired Action” for today is: Stop trying to please other people. Do not change who you are for them and do not take responsibility for their emotions. It was interesting that when he finally agreed to go to counseling, the counselor would ask me (in our one on one sessions) “why don’t you tell him how you feel?”. I told him I never wanted to do anything to make him more angry so I walked around “on eggshells” for years. Even though his anger was passive, it always felt like he was throwing daggers at me from his solar plexus as I crossed the room. He would intentionally not do things if he knew I wanted or needed it. I bought curtains that sat there waiting for him to put them up for 3 years!
What was the therapists answer? “Well you just have to let him react any way he is going to react, that is his choice, but it should never stop you from honestly expressing yourself”.
I say the same to you now. Let go of feeling responsible for others feelings and reactions, and give yourself permission to express yourself honestly and authentically. Know you have to be true to you, and act in a manner that expresses your true inner beauty. You are responsible for yourself, so take back your power.
“If you are in a relationship with someone who is always resisting your desires or needs in this way, you should decide whether the relationship is worth keeping.” Hale Dwoskin.
It took me many long years to realize what I was in, and what to do about it. It took more years to legally get out of the relationship. I wish I knew then what I know now. If I had valued myself more, if I had taken responsibility only for my emotions and not others, I would have changed my life much sooner. You can, do it now.
Finally Hale says: “…let go of the anger it brings up inside of you. You should also draw up your own boundaries — such as only meeting with them when absolutely necessary — and not allow the person to cross them or draw you in to a fight.”
Believe you are worth positive, uplifting, loving relationships, and you can do whatever you need to do to change your current situation. Try “Joyful Creating”…and create what you really want from your real power, the power inside of you. Choose love, joy and bliss. Since all possibilities are all around us at all times, it is a matter of believing you desreve it, and choosing to allow it in. You can do it. Let me know how I can help.